Small Predicament
by JasperK
Summary: Wolfwood decides Milly is worth pursuing, then his disorderly life intervenes to create awkward havoc for his pursuits. (Wolfwood, Milly, Vash and Meryl)


The last few days I have been smiling at a certain picture Fantardism drew for one of my stories (instant happiness for JK) so this here story is for her. Check out her awesome work at Fantardism on tumblr, she draws the most fantastic Trigun pictures! She is D-Watson here on Fan Fiction.

* * *

There were times, Wolfwood thought, when women were God's gift to men. This was not one of those times. Or perhaps it was. He was conflicted on that point. His problem was one tall young lady who never quite seemed to notice him in that way. Sure she was friendly enough and put up with his casual cuddling, but – and there it was, the crux of it – did she feel the same way? He did not want to push the issue only to find out she was humouring him. Women did that. He had discovered it the hard way. They had a very pointed way of showing their displeasure in regards to unwanted attentions. He had been slapped through the face, had a stiletto heel dug through his foot and one feisty young girl had kneed him in the groin. That had put a damper on his casual flirting. Sheesh. He was going out of his mind here. Actually, it wasn't his mind that was having issues, but still, the _frustration_, how much more could he take?

He smiled as he saw Milly Thompson happily chatting to Meryl as they unpacked in their room. He watched her dig out her underwear, mmh, hmm, skimpy, until Meryl walked past the door. He moved quicker than lightning, it was simply _not _worth it having her notice his voyeurism. Hah, he went back to his bed where he had flung what little he carried with him. The Cross Punisher was propped up against the wall. He had a few changes of underwear and a second shirt, and that was it. Thinking about that, ladies liked clean stuff, didn't they? Preferably smelling of scented soap, ugh. He'd better wash his socks then, and change his shirt. What else did one need if one was to get lucky? He thought a bit. A bath would be good. Hmm. Oh yes, and some, aha, rubbers. He went through his pockets. Aside from an amazing amount of utter rubbish, there were no useful little silver packets. What had happened to his collection? He went through his pockets again. Oh no! What, again? What happened to all his money? He didn't even have ten c-cents to his name. Great. Just perfect. He dug out a cigarette and lit it, then huffed grumpily. Not even the nicotine could lessen his grouchy mood. What had happened to the protectives that he now did not have the cash to replace? He vaguely recalled using his last few for water skins. It had been a lifesaver at the time. But right now he wished he had not been quite so thirsty. He laughed at himself. Had he not, he would have been dead, properly dead, not just mostly dead from frustration. Ugh. That bath, it was going to have to be cold.

Just then Vash sauntered into the room and dumped his duffel onto the floor at the base of his bed. Well, hello to the ladies man! Wolfwood grinned at his roommate. Somehow, he could not quite see how Vash managed to earn that reputation, Wolfwood had seen his pathetic flirting skills. None the less, he had it, which meant he should be in possession of a few little treasures. Wolfwood closed the door, it was simple prudence; if Meryl heard anything of this conversation the next few days, no weeks, were likely to be very unpleasant. He could ignore her, but it grated if she kept bringing it up whenever she thought she needed to have the advantage.

"Vash, my man!" He grinned.

Vash gave him one of his looks. It was as if he could see straight through him, yet in the next instant, he was grinning and heading for the window to open it.

"Mm hmm?"

"I was wondering if you could help your pal out of a small predicament."

"Small?" Vash caught the operative word.

"Mmh-" Wolfwood almost agreed then coughed. Small was hardly the descriptive word he wanted associated with this question. "Small as in small sacrifice." He hastily corrected.

"I'm listening." Vash said easily.

"I've a lady in my sights, if you know what I mean. You don't happen to have any little, er, packages with you?"

Vash gave him the blankest stare ever.

Aaagh! He was _sure_ the man was messing with him. Calm, Wolfwood, calm, this was no time to punch the man from whom you needed to beg a favour.

"You know." He mugged. "Protectives?"

There was the same uncomprehending expression on Vash's face.

"Jimmy hats?" Still no flicker of recognition. "Rubbers?" Still none. Sheesh, he _was_ messing with him. Wolfwood clenched his fist. "Condoms." He breathed through his teeth.

The expression of startled surprise on Vash's face was a picture. Wolfwood blinked at the man incredulously. How could he not know the slang?

"But why would you need those, Wolfwood?" He asked, all innocently. "You're a priest."

Wolfwood was about to answer the first part of the question when the hook silenced him. There it was again, that slightly knowing, almost sadly reprimanding disappointment in Vash's eyes. As if he expected him to know better, then it was gone, but this time Vash was not grinning. He was frowning. Frowns did not suit Vash, they made him look kind of scary, kind of too much like Knives. Wolfwood shuddered.

"Never mind." He waved his hand at the man. Suddenly catching ladies was the last thing on his mind. He actually felt rather ill. He grabbed his shirt and fresh underwear and went to take a bath. Hot or cold, it did not matter, and now with Vash clumsily prying into the matter there was no way he was going to get remotely lucky.

Wolfwood took a long bath. He sat in the water until it was so cold he had gooseflesh. He sighed and flicked the last bubble that remained then climbed out. He had washed his socks and they were almost dry in the warm air blowing in at the window. He pulled them on; they could dry completely on his feet. Oh yes. He had forgotten how good being clean made him feel. The fresh shirt certainly helped. He began to smile. Maybe he could get a cuddle off Milly if Meryl wasn't around. Or better still he could annoy Meryl by flirting with Milly. Hah, yes, that was a better idea. He was generous with the deodorant and styled his hair neatly in the mirror. Yes, he was going to see his lady. Humming tunelessly under his breath he made his way through the house. However, it seemed no one was there. Well, well. That gave him more time to prepare. Milly liked pudding; he could make a large tub for tonight. There was pudding mix in the cupboard; his culinary skills extended that far. He re-read the instructions several times and counted out the amounts carefully, then put it together with quite a bit of prayer and cussing. He hoped God would ignore the cussing in favour of the prayers, or at least appreciate the stress he was under. He put it in the fridge to set, then fidgeted. What else? There was dinner to be made, but it was all raw ingredients and Meryl had a delicious stir fry recipe she made with those ingredients, he was not going to mess with it.

Vash then arrived whistling loudly and grinning broadly, as he walked into the kitchen. He was carrying a large doughnut box.

"I got what you wanted. A whole box full!"

Wolfwood stared. How much stamina did Vash think he had?

Vash put it on the kitchen table. No. The man must have misunderstood him and bought doughnuts instead. Wolfwood gingerly opened the box and his eyes almost popped. The box was full of, well, rubbers. Wolfwood's mouth dropped open in astonishment.

"I went down to the local pharmacy and they had a whole selection."

He reached into the box and picked out a rubber... only ... hell, where had Vash found this? It had five little rubber stalks.

"How exactly are you shaped?" Wolfwood managed to get out.

Vash opened his mouth to answer and then burst out laughing. Wolfwood realised that the man had had him for a fool. He threw the rubber glove at Vash and dug through the collection of rubber gloves, and little silver packets of every shape form and description. Wolfwood had a sudden premonition never to be seen in the vicinity of the pharmacy in Vash's presence. This looked like the female assistants had had far too much fun helping him choose. He was sure the infamous Humanoid Typhoon had used the age-old excuse, 'it's for my friend'.

Vash picked up the rubber glove, still laughing, and blew it up so that it looked like a cows udder.

"Mister Vash, what is that you've got there?"

Wolfwood jumped, making the box he held spill half its contents onto the table and the floor. Oh crud!

Milly Thompson swanned into the kitchen with a bright smile on her face.

"A balloon." Vash said innocently. Oh, Vash could do innocent so well. Wolfwood scowled at him while he scooped the incriminating evidence off the table and into the box as hastily as he could.

"Ooh!" Milly said happily. "Let me blow some up too."

Wolfwood almost choked.

She picked up a silver package, broke it open and proceeded to blow up one with little knobbles on it. Vash he noticed was smiling happily. Wolfwood dug out a particularly interesting silver package and threw it at Vash. The man caught it, opened it and blew it up without apparent regard for what he was doing. Wolfwood ducked under the table and went after the scattered packages there.

"Ooh, that's a funny one, Mister Vash. Why don't you blow up a few Mister Priest?"

"In a moment." Wolfwood had to start his sentence a few times before words came out.

He managed to rescue the scattered contents of the box and prudently secreted some into his pocket, then dumped the rest it back. Phew, half the problem solved. Now, ugh, Vash, did the man have no self-respect? He was having a competition with Milly to see who could blow their one up faster. It did not help that both were interestingly decorated.

Milly won and tied hers off expertly. There were now several blown up _balloons_ sitting on the table.

"Mister Priest, your turn!" Milly said with a bright grin.

He could not refuse that, so he picked up a glove. There was no way in hell he was blowing up a rubber. He let Milly win, and she laughed. He grinned, so there was a way to make progress here.

Just then Meryl walked in. Wolfwood neatly side stepped to help her with the groceries and the glove he had been blowing up farted its contents in a swift spiral across the room. Anything not to be seen near the doughnut box. He was slowly unpacking the contents of the brown paper bags when Meryl noticed.

"Vash!" She said, her voice rising with scandalised outrage. "What in the..."

"We're blowing up balloons." He said.

Wolfwood breathed out a sigh of relief. Bless the man for his innocence, or faked innocence, or whatever it was.

"Vash." Meryl said softly. "Those aren't balloons."

"Oh?" He held up the spiral decorated one he had just tied off. "What are they?"

Wolfwood almost gave the game away by laughing. He ducked into the cupboard to pack away the tins. Meryl spluttered for a few seconds.

"They're not balloons." She mumbled, then cleared her throat. "I need to make dinner, all this is cluttering up the kitchen. Get rid of these and this box!"

She snatched up the box and the collection of blown up rubbers and shoved them into Vash's hands. Wolfwood edged around her and made a swift exit before Meryl could round on him. He heard Milly's voice drift up the passage from the kitchen.

"Aw." She sounded disappointed. "We were just having fun, Miss Meryl."

"You've never seen one of those silver packets before?" Meryl asked, astounded.

"Oh yes!" Milly said. "My brothers had lots. We used them for water bombs."

"Er, do you know their other use?" Meryl asked in a hushed voice.

"Of course. So you don't make babies. But balloons and water bombs are much better fun!"

There was silence from the room. Wolfwood caught Vash's eye as he walked into the room and took the box the tall man handed him.

"Good luck." Vash said sympathetically.

"I'm gonna need it." Wolfwood sighed. "I'm really gonna need it."

* * *

Wolfwood sat outside on the veranda smoking. He was feeling oddly out of sorts. He had eaten too much pudding for a start. It had been a rather good evening. He, Vash and Milly had been laughing and joking and getting on famously. Meryl had been all quiet, which had helped. She had gone to bed early. Hmm. Something had upset her. Was she really that disturbed by a box full of condoms? Or was there something else. With Meryl, there seemed to be layers upon layers of something else. Somehow Vash didn't mind that, but it bothered him. How could one person carry around so much flat sadness? She was not like Vash, who worked out his issues. She just plodded, dutifully doing her job. It was a kind of boring way for a soul to die, and kind of sad, actually. Some days he thought she enjoyed her work, but other days, he was not so sure. Huh, why was he thinking about the short girl? It was Milly that was really worrying him. What could be more fun than a tussle in bed? Water bombs, really? Huh, he was in so much trouble.

"Mister Priest?"

Wolfwood looked up as Milly shuffled over in her slippers with a blanket over her shoulders. She sat down beside him and with a slosh and a chink put down a bottle of wine and two glasses.

"Thanks for not laughing at Meryl."

Wolfwood jumped. She had seen that? Agh, he kept forgetting how perceptive she was.

"And I know Mister Vash bought all those packages. I saw him."

What was this? She thought Vash-, it was all he could do not to laugh. Wolfwood took the glass of wine she handed him and sipped at it. Not bad.

"As a priest, I think you should have a word with him. It doesn't matter how many he collects, it's who he chooses and how he treats her."

Wolfwood felt a smile grow on his face. Suddenly everything was all wonder and light. Milly looked so beautiful in the moonlight sipping at her glass.

"I will." He murmured.

"Thank you. I'll get Meryl to come around. She's just upset that he's thinking that without having bothered to make his intentions clear. Only, perhaps, he's just collecting for the pretty ladies he likes." She sighed. "I thought joking would bring her out of it, but even water balloons don't get a smile."

And fireworks. So that was what she thought? The relief! She wasn't adverse to his advances then? It was beyond time to test that. Wolfwood leaned over, his hand brushing hers. That got no response. He tensed, perhaps she had meant what she had said in the kitchen, and did not want his attentions. He waited on tenterhooks while Milly elegantly finished her glass, then picked up the bottle and topped up his glass and poured herself another. She then reached over him and placed the bottle on his far side and shifted across to lean her head on his shoulder. He felt like celebrating. Excellent.

"You smell nice."

So the bathing thing did work on the ladies! Wolfwood broke out into a broad grin and ran his fingers through her long hair. Milly had a wonderful soft way of cuddling up to him. He dropped his cigarette and crushed it out under his shoe then breathed in the soft scent of the night air. Things were going to be good. He kissed her hair, then self consciously remembered his breath. She had once mentioned she was not that partial to cigarettes. Or was that 'smoke is not good for the baby' comment just part of her bad acting? He dug surreptitiously in his pockets. Damnation! He had enough little packages for several happy nights and no peppermints or gum to begin tentative forays. Sheesh. Where was his luck? He sighed and sipped at his wine. Still she was contentedly nestling against his shoulder. So even if he did not get lucky tonight, this was certainly the promise that she was interested. Wolfwood smiled, the frustration he had felt earlier had eased, as anticipation had an odd way of redirecting tension.


End file.
